I don't know how to say this...but I need help. Like, serious, emotional help. For my strength as a person. Nearly all of my life I have been a past dweller. And like my mother pointed out before she left I have so much pent up sadness and anger and drama-fueled issues that I still have yet to deal with. I'm afraid to. All of it stems from my childhood...Though billions of people worldwide have gone through so worse things than I ever had...
Reflecting back on my life now, it's why I can still be so cold hearted and passive-aggressive and distrusting and skeptical. Towards my family and my friends--the people who genuinely care about me. I bundle up every bit of detail regarding what they did or said that has hurt me or made me frustrated and I'll throw it in their face. And that isn't right. It's awful and cruel of me...And I never once learned to grow from my painful memories and experiences. I said I would once, but I never made the effort...A few years ago, I would pray...I would pray that God would make me into a better person. Say that I wanted a change in my life, and that I had to let go of everything that stood in the way of that. But here's the thing: I don't know how to love myself; I don't know how to see that God does love me regardless of my own faults and flaws. And although miracles can and do oftentimes happen, there is no way I can ever expect such a change to occur if I don't learn what love is. I just never believed I really could grow into truly loving myself because everything back then has continued to break me and make me so miserable now.
I try to be a good person...I strive to be a christian. I try to be open-minded and open-hearted. But the way I am now isn't christian-like at all! After being hurt so many times I find it hard to give people second-chances, or believe that people can be sincere...yet I'll half-expect them to give me a second chance whenever I mess up. It's not right...
If I could just let the past stay in the past and let all of these negative emotions go and move forward, I know I could be happy. I just need to forgive and move on...I need to learn to get over myself and stop being so selfish and thinking the world owes me. I need to stop letting what happened to me be my excuse for being afraid. And I need to learn that people are who they are for whatever reason and I have to accept it no matter how hard it is.
I want to be a person who can say "I believe" and let it manifest without having that dreaded pang of doubt cloud my beliefs. I want to make a growing number of life-long friends and not lose any of them because for whatever reason I'm too caught up in my insecurities and remembering past events to realize that they really do need and want me 'here' just as much as I them. I want to be someone worth loving and who knows how to give it in return. I don't want to hate myself anymore or ever again...
I just...need prayer. I really, really, really need some prayer.
This is alot to ask, but please, please pray for me...
Favorite Bible Verse: 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 & 13.
Description (Physical & internal): "She was rather average looking; not anything that she'd deem pretty or beautiful when it came to her looks. But if she liked anything physical about herself, it was the length of her hair and its color.
A shy,quiet,soft-spoken girl with a strangely high-pitched childish voice. She had the sweet kindness of her mother (as she was often told) and the artistic/musical talents of her father (however she considered herself talentless). She was hard working when she wanted to be and was easily forgetful on serious matters. She often made promises she couldn't keep due to her own laziness, forgetfulness, or nervousness.
She was easily angered, yet slowly forgiving and regretful. Her self-proclaimed nickname was "That heart sleeve girl", because she knew her facial expressions were usually that of worry or annoyance around others. But that was probably her loneliness or anxieties showing itself.
Always the one to be a bundle of nerves around people, mainly the opposite sex. She was filled with paranoia, self-consciousness, self-pity, and would constantly critique herself badly. She had many phobias,most of which involved fears of failure,dying painfully, 1)falling in love and 2)not receiving love.
1) because she didn't think she was good enough for it, and 2) because she didn't think that anyone could truly love her despite her flaws.
Which roughly translated revealed her fear of dying alone.
In fact, it was fear that was her main downfall."
Current Residence: Realistically: On Planet Earth...Frequently: In my many envisions of unborn worlds...
Favourite genre of music: Pop, Rock, Techno, Jazz, Latin, Oldies & Foreign languages, bits of Country, Rap, & R&B.
Favourite style of art: Manga/Anime, Illustration, Realistic-ish (comic & game-wise), & Realism.
Favorite artist(s): Jay/Jeff Axer, Patrick “Spaz” Spaziante, Harvey Mercadoocasio, Sanford Greene, Ken Penders, Nelson Ribeiro, James Fry...
Personal Quote: Once you choose to use the blessings bestowed upon you for good, you give more meanng in life.